If there’s one thing I have learned recently… well actually I have re-learned it… it’s been; when we are ‘TRYING’ to make something happen, when we are ‘FORCING’ an outcome, or ‘PUSHING’ against resistance to make something happen that just won’t, the outcome is never usually what we ‘want’ or what we ‘expect’. On the contrary it’s usually frustration, anger, sadness, disappointment, disillusionment, confusion and even sometimes mania!
I don’t know about you, but I can relate to all the above. If you have been struggling to find meaning or purpose, then perhaps it’s time to drop the baggage!
Over the past few years I have reached a stage in my life where I want to do something which I can feel excited and passionate about. Which has a purpose. I am tired of working mindless jobs that, to me, have no purpose.
For years I have worked in sales, design, marketing, advertising and office admin and management. All within the interiors and manufacturing industry. Having dealt with so many customers who were incredibly anally retentive; complaining about 1mm difference to a measurement, complaining about the smallest and most insignificant things such as a fractional difference in wood grain/ colour, and generally going out of their way to be awkward cruel un-compassionate and unkind, I began to see how the material world turned people nasty. The height of our customers complete insanity and unrealistic expectations, on a product which made no difference to the world other than organising their clothes and making a room look pretty, was astounding! The more we gave them the worse they were. The kinder and more flexible to their greed we were, the more intolerable they became. The more ungrateful and greedy they became the less faith in humanity I had. I began to seriously question the line of work I was wasting my precious life, time, and efforts with and in honesty I began to question my faith in humanity all together.
In 2020, the time was ripe and perfect for me to try a new way of life. I knew I had to work for myself, design my own life, and be a slave to myself first before I could serve others. I knew that I had to feel passionate about what I was doing, to feel as though I was contributing to the world, to life. That what I had to give was bigger than anything I had ever done before. That my purpose was greater than living a life asleep, un-awakened.
Once you see the world for what it is, it’s hard to go back to living an unconscious life. I was awake and needed to rise up.
I knew what my work/ life balance looked like and it included meditation in the morning and feeling gratitude for a slower more intentional and contemplative life. I would have time to see and experience nature. To be on my own timeline; not a timeline which is unnatural, forced and hasty. To allow my timeline settle into a natural rhythm with nature, the seasons, and life’s ebbs and flow. I wanted to be able to walk in nature whenever I wanted for however long I wanted. I wanted the freedom to be still when I needed to and the freedom to allow inspiration flow through me when it needed. I wanted the freedom to choose the people I wanted in my life, and to walk away from negative and lower energy people; I never wanted to experience the slurry pit of negative energy which I had in previous jobs, with customers. I vowed to do what I could to rise from that. However, I had no idea in what way I could achieve this while at the same time make a living.
Initially I decided to take the opportunity to become my own boss and set up two businesses, one as a Celebrant for Weddings and other life ceremonies and the other Reiki & Meditation, which I practiced regularly myself anyway. I felt that one could prop up the other. However, no matter how hard I tried neither seemed to take off. I thought to myself, ‘Was this what I was meant to be doing?’. I was meeting more than just resistance, I wasn’t gaining any traction at all. It was all I knew, and these were the only things I could do to make money and an income from. I began to panic… if they weren’t working and I couldn’t think of anything else then I knew I would have to go back into the cage. Go back to work for somebody else. Loose my freedom and return to slavery. I was disappointed in myself, I was disappointed and felt like a failure. I also knew that part of the reason my businesses were not working was deep down I didn’t feel like they were ‘IT’. I couldn’t feel the sense of contributing to the world in a purposeful and meaningful way. Sure I could find ways or I could sell myself ways in which they were contributing, but I knew, for me, there was something more.
So, I did what any self-respecting woman in my situation would do…. I fell apart! I quite literally began to unravel at the seems! And, I began to write!
Over a period of about a month to two months I lost all hope. I literally often lay in a ball on the ground, on meditation mat or on my bed, pleading with the universe to direct me. To show me what it was I should be doing! To give me a clear sign, so I would know without doubt, that I was on the right path. I had already been down a deep rabbit hole of self development in hopes that I might truly discover what it was I should be doing. What would give me drive, passion and freedom. What could I do that would contribute to the world and at the same time allow me to feel passion for it. I pleaded with Angels, Archangels, Spirit Guides, Ascended masters, and even learned to be okay with the idea of speaking to Jesus! I even begged My Dad, who died in 2015 – in hopes he had a VIP pass to help me out! But nothing…. silence! I was met with absolute and total silence!
The only thing that gave me any solace or escape was to journal and write out my feelings, as I had always done as a kid. Writing helped me try to make sense of things. But I wanted the answer now. I wanted the pain to end. I wanted to know what path to take. I wanted a sign. I wanted to know what my future held. I wanted to feel joy again. I wanted an end to the misery of not knowing. I simply wanted a crystal ball into the future which would allow me to see what it took to make me happy, because I hadn’t a clue how to do that for myself!
I want, I want, I want….. Sounds like a child, Right?
After many snotty tear-fests, swollen panda eyes, and after many attempts to bribe the universe into giving me an answer, I had absolutely worn myself out. So I gave up. I simply gave up.
I feel as though I had been standing in a train station, holding heavy suitcases in both hands which were wedged to the gills with emotions. They were packed tight with fear, anxiety, not knowing, confusion, frustration, anger, sadness, loss, grief, disillusionment, disappointment, control and more. They weighed a ton each and it was as though I could feel the strain of carrying these bags pulling on my hands, arms, shoulders, neck, soul! I could feel the weight of holding on to all this and waiting for a train which I had no idea when it was due. The train I was waiting on could be due any minute, and I wanted to be ready to jump on it and escape. I wanted to be ready for my next journey and adventure and I was so impatient that I held on tightly to my bags, just in case I missed the train. But the train might also not be due for days, or weeks, or even years… I had no idea when it would come, but I hoped it was soon because I was getting tired.
Eventually, having become worn out by holding all this baggage I decided to drop them all. I decided to leave them down, to set them down and free myself. As soon as I did this I felt such relief, such pressure release, so free to move how I wanted, where and when I wanted. I could go get a coffee, I could sit down, I could write, I just felt so free and light in myself. I realised that I could have been holding on to those bags for a long time, for no reason, especially as the train had no definite arrival time. It was liberating!
I remeber one night, as I had cried and pleaded with the universe to within an inch of my life, I suddenly became aware of myself. Who was this person crying? Why was she really so upset? Where did that come from? What was really causing it? It was as though I became aware of the poor child in me who couldn’t fully understand their emotions but they were emotional none the less, it was real for them. I could see my self, and the self that was crying. Suddenly all the pain and fear melted away and I was no longer able to cry, it became illogical and made no sense. I had quite literally worn myself out and became so exhausted from it all that I literally dropped the baggage. I decided that perhaps my forcing things was not right. I decided that while, yes, I certainly felt it was true that I continue to design and carve out my own life, perhaps it was not up to me to make it happen. Perhaps the ‘How’s’ are out of my control and timescale, and perhaps I was going against the universe. I accepted that perhaps I could not make it happen if it simply was not time.
I remembered visiting an astrologer, who’s just incredibly intuitive, and she had told me that I was very impatient and wanted to move to the next thing now, but that it wasn’t time. That I needed to relax, and just wait. I remembered this and felt comforted by the idea that perhaps it just wasn’t the right time.
I also remember being in India, a few years previous, when I also had the same impatience to know what was next. I was living in an Ashram and meditating everyday. My teacher came to me one day and said, ‘I keep feeling as though I need to tell you to Relax, I don’t know why, I just need to tell you to Relax, there is nothing for you to do’. In that moment I cried, as I felt it was a sign from my Dad. As a Hypnotherapist we would always joke with him to just Relax, there was nothing whatsoever for him to do, because that was something he said all the time in his tapes for clients and in his sessions. It was a family joke, so much so we put it on his grave, and here my teacher repeated his words.
As humans we have melted into an age where if we want something now, we can have it, we can make it happen. We live in a world of go-getters and are told to go make it happen. If we want takeaway we dial a number. If we want an answer to something we google it. If we want a date we go online. If we want to talk to somebody we message them. If we want more goods we make more money. We also live in a world where if we don’t meet somebody else’s demands or expectations immediately, then there are consequences. All of this leads us to operate at hyper-speed so as to not disappoint others and in return to not feel disappointed ourselves. This way of life is so manufactured, it’s unnatural, and gives us a false sense of security. It’s only when all this is taken away that we can reset and return to ourselves.
During the COVID-19/ Corona Global Pandemic everyone is forced to stay home. Thus forcing us to stop working. To slow down. To spend more time with our children. To spend time connecting virtually with loved ones. To spend more time focusing on the value of our elders, and protecting them in every way we can. To spend more time in nature, with nature. Listening to the birds sing and feeling more free in ourselves. We have been forced to take time off that perhaps we would never get to do ordinarily. Time off with no guilt, for this has been imposed on us. To respond with patience and a pace that is more befitting of nature. In fact the response that nature has had as a result to our slowing down has been more sunshine, less pollution, fish returning to rivers and birds returning to skies. There is more love in the air. More compassion and understanding, for everyone is in the same global situation – how unique is that?! All united, every race, colour, creed and nationality with a common experience. Nature has rewarded us for our paying attention and has rewarded us for slowing down. Yes, there is a huge amount of loss; personal, physical and monetary, from this pandemic, but we cannot control that. What we can control is how we chose to see it.
Just before the pandemic, as my businesses were already not gaining any traction and more especially they were now defunct with all the social distancing and lock-downs globally, I decided that I would do what I loved. I would return to childhood and play as I had done in more innocent years. I would write. I have always loved writing whether it was poems or journaling or musings. I had also decided that I would write a book, having been prompted with many many signs from the universe the previous 2-3 years, and now was to time to do it. In fact, as soon as I decided to drop everything else and simply write this book… everything else seemed to fall in to place.
I was happier in myself. I felt freedom, love, joy and a lightness in myself which I hadn’t felt in a long time. I experienced many signs that I was doing the right thing and most importantly…. I no longer felt like I was TRYING, FORCING, PUSHING to make something happen. Instead I was letting it happen. If it wasn’t my time, then I would relax into the rhythmic flow of nature and create. I would breathe with nature and write and wait for it to be the right time. Since then I have almost finished my book, or one book, and have yet to see where it will all take me. But for now, I have been forced to stay home and to me, there is no better time to be a writer… It was like the stars aligned!
Now is my time.
Have you ever felt as though you were pushing and pushing and not getting anywhere? What would happen if you simply stopped the struggle and relaxed… what would you do differently if there was no pressure to find the answer?
