For the past few years many people have said to me, over and over, ‘You should write a book!’. There are only so many times you can say ‘Yes, yes, yes’ dismissively before you begin to realize the universe is communicating with you directly, what an honor! So it would be rude not to listen. But how, when, whats story? I didn’t know the first thing about writing a book. I didn’t even consider myself a ‘writer’, even though ironically writing is something I have done since I was a kid, I just never saw it ‘that’ way!
In 2018, I had been planning a trip on the Camino de Santiago Something I had wanted to do for many years, and here was the perfect timing for me to do it… or so I thought! I had done all the research, bought items I needed, planned the route and now all I had left to do was to buy my flights, buses and book my accommodation for the start and end. A week before I was due to buy these, I went on a trip to Edinburgh with my boyfriend to see a friend of mind. Due to freak traffic on the motorway we were delayed and ran all the way to get the plane. I absolutely wrecked my feet due to crappy shoes I was wearing and so caused me to badly damage my feet! I could hardly walk and was absolutely devastated about my trip! When I got home I redesigned the Camino trip to choose a less difficult route, determined still to go. I remember being so stressed out because the flights were no longer lining up and the trip, which initially seemed aligned, no longer had any ease or flow to its planning. Was I even meant to go? I decided to give it a week and see how my feet would heal.
If there is one lesson I repeatedly learn over and over again, is when you are not on the right path you will meet much resistance. When you are on the right path, without attachments, and open to opportunities in whatever way they appear, then you will find ease and flow. I know this to be true, I have experienced it to be true, and still to this day I find my ego clutching on to its ideals for dear life…even when I am not in flow and know it’s wrong. the fear of letting go and unknowing what comes next is the hardest part.
The week after our trip to Edinburgh my Mum called, telling me she had been told that Hay House had a Writers workshop on in Dublin. It was the week I was planning on going to the Camino, so for me it was a no go. Anyway, I didn’t even consider myself and writer.
A week passed and my feet were no better. I was truly disappointed but knew there was a higher reason for it. My Mum called again, I had forgotten about the workshop, and she asked me once again if I wanted to go. She wanted to buy me tickets, as they were expensive and because I didn’t see myself as a writer I certainly didn’t see myself paying that kind of money for tickets. It seemed to line up oddly with the Camino, and perhaps a good distraction from my no longer being able to go, so I said yes to the workshop.
The weekend of the workshop came and we took our seats. They played a short video at the very beginning, saying why now was the best time for us to write a book. I cried. The video was short and to the point, but something really struck with me. Wow! I was not expecting that!
Robert Holden was one of the guest speakers. He spoke about his own writing journey and I was hanging on every word. It all seemed possible to me, and it all seemed like something I could feel myself doing. He asked everyone in the room to write a paragraph starting with the sentence ‘I like to write because…’. I began to write and got into my flow, I love this kind of thing I thought! There were three sections of seating the room and he asked one person from each section to read out what they had written. I was chosen from my group and nervously spoke into the microphone, my hand shaking a little from the excitement of reading my work in public for the first time. Everyone clapped, as they had done for all the others who read their, so I thought nothing of it.
At the break I had a women come up to me, sat in an empty seat behind me to tell me she was blown away by what I wrote. That she would love to read my book when it comes out and that I had a skill. That evening as I was stood outside the bathroom, waiting for my Mum to return, I had three women come up to me individually to tell me they were really impressed by my writing and would love to read my book! I was like… WHAT? What the hell was happening, I’d barely written anything at all!
The next day we went back to the workshop and took our seats, waiting for it all to begin. I went to get water from the table at the back of the room, we were all only arriving in so people were scattered everywhere. I poured the water into a glass and the lady beside me double took me and said ‘Oh my God, I wanted to come up to your yesterday and tell you what you said really struck me. It really resonated with me and made me emotional. I am not even sure why, but it really touched my heart!’. I was so confused, I was even wearing different clothes so I don’t know how she recognized me. I was really genuinely flattered. My head was huge from all the ego boosting!
That workshop changed something in me. It made me become aware of something inside my self, and I felt a shift and change. It was then I decided I would write a book!…… But on what? I had some ideas but still felt a little lost.
It’s been almost a year since that workshop and although I wanted to start writing, I had started over and over and over. Each time thinking, who am I kidding… who the hell would want to read this stuff! Some days my writing was fun and good humored, some days it was dark and heavy. I thought there was no way anybody would want to read about me, lil ol’ me from a small town in rural Ireland. I knew I had some life stories to tell, but where do I start. How do I tell them and why am I telling them?
I started and stopped. Started and stopped. I deleted, began again and saved. The started at the beginning again, for the 20th time and the saved and got bored. I had started so many times I just got bored of starting and couldn’t move past that, so I stopped all together.
Then, I went to an Astrologist I had been to before. She was beyond incredible and so accurate and intuitive! She told me my purpose here is to work over communications and groups. It was to develop my 1:1 relationships, experience love and that I would write a book! What the hell! Here was the whole book thing again. In fairness, she could have said anything to me… but a book!? So, I had to sit up and listen once again. The universe was giving me a prod.
She asked me why I hadn’t started writing and I explained that I couldn’t get past the start. I had started over and over but it was differently written every time. She told me to stop starting over, write chunks at a time, they don’t have to be in any order, just write what I want when I want and to keep saving it all. At the end an editor would pull it all together. She told me I had to stop getting bogged down with the detail and move on!
So I did exactly that. I now have lots of chunks written and am muddling my way through.
There is a section of the book which includes a lot of drama from some past relationships, one in particular where I was engaged to get married. In honesty I am not usually one who has a problem discussing my past, but I found my self repeatedly avoiding sitting myself down to write that part. I would stand up and walk away from the desk. I would find things to do. I would become itchy and antsy and inevitably find some reason to do something else. Eventually, I had a chat with myself. I acknowledged that I was procrastinating. I acknowledged that perhaps this was more difficult than I was giving myself credit for, and I was kind and sweet with myself. I sat myself down and started to write.
It wasn’t easy and felt like such a chore. As bad as a kid being forced to do homework it hates! But I sat with present awareness through it, sensing my emotions and being aware as they arose. Honoring them and giving myself a little break every now and again, but gently nudging myself to keep going now I had started. I felt my body relieve the same shock it had at the time of the events I was writing about. My body shook, my bones felt cold and shaken, my stomach gurgled and popped, my skin itched and I became flustered, scatty and easily angered. I was reliving it all over again. This was why I needed to write the book. I hadn’t looked back, but I needed to release all the emotion that I had experienced, all the emotion that was holding me together at the time.
That was weeks and months ago at this time of writing. I have since managed to do everything in my power once again to avoid going back there again. It was half finished and I knew I had alot more still to write. There was 22 pages done and I knew there was at least another 22 to 40 left to do. My astrologer told me that this would be the year for writing my book, and I had set a target of August. However with all the recent procrastination, with it being so long ago that I last wrote, I began to doubt myself and my ability to get this done.
It was only yesterday evening, I had another word with myself and decided that I would leave the book this year. Maybe she was wrong and maybe it’s next year or the year after. I was right in the middle of a crossroads with my career and had no idea what I was doing there, so maybe I better focus on that I thought. Yes, that’s what I would do. I would leave it till next year. What if the book is actually about the crossroads I was at now anyway, and imagine I was forcing myself to write the wrong book, I thought!
No sooner had I made my mind up to not write the book, but a friend of mine messaged me. I worked with her many years ago as a care assistant and we had recently reconnected, the normal ‘Happy Christmas and we should catch up’, reconnect. I had messaged weeks and weeks ago, nearer New years and she was only replying to me now. We chatted for a while via text and decided to lock in a date for meeting up, a few weeks from now. We were just saying goodbye when she mentioned she was writing a book. Of course I replied with Wow, so am I! She said she was aiming for August and I said that’s weird, so was I. But I hadn’t explained that I just decided not to do it till next year now. The next message came in… ‘I have an idea’, she said. ‘How about we send our books to each other and we work together to get them done by August!’. Wow, I thought! I felt a sudeen lease of life and purpose to get back to writing. This would be exciting sharing this journey together. It was nuts! The universe was at it again… a gentle nudge to say ‘C’mon now Debs, don’t give up, you’re nearly there. Here’s some help, encouragement and support.’ Wow Wow Wow!
Last night we shared some of our books with each other, for the first time!
It was incredibly nerve wracking, exciting, and all the ‘ings’! This was perfect! No better way to push each other forward. But now somebody would be reading my work, for the first time ever! Crazy!
The feedback was encouraging and it was an honor to read somebody elses work too, to see that we had very different styles of writing also. Hers is a memoir/ fiction and mine is memoir. Both of us had the same feelings of why would anybody be bothered reading about us, but I found hers interesting so it made me feel a bit better about telling my story.
Today I knew I had to go back and spend more time writing about the piece I was dreading finishing. The piece about my relationship that fell apart before I was due to get married. It was the same one before I had avoided for so long. It was the same one I felt body shocks and shakes from. It was the same one I found a way to write about before, so I knew that I would be able to do it again. I sat down, with compassion and love for myself, then freaked out!
Literally, as if from nowhere, I lost my patience, became frustrated at the smallest of things. I became itchy and avoidant. I got up from my seat ten times. I made cups of tea and drank water and peed. Then realised all this frustration and anger was the same as before. Although my mind was clear and in my mind there was no reason to be upset, my body felt like it had the jitters. Like I ate too much sweets or drank too much coffee. People kept messaging my phone and I was making mistakes on texts and losing my rag! So, I stepped away, took some deep breaths. Lay on my bed and became aware of the sensations in my body. I was witnessing them almost as a third person. I could see my poor body reacting in real time and just gave it time. I decided I would leave writing for now, maybe later, but I would honor it’s need for space.
Isn’t it so interesting how our bodies store subconscious reactions to thoughts! I wasn’t even focusing on this particular writing, I mean I knew I was going to sit down and pick up where I left off, but it wasn’t immediate when my body already started reacting to it. I could sense the intensity increase the closer I got to the task, and the further away from the task the more it subsided.
Love, Kindness and Compassion are the way to ease the soul. I could feel myself working with these in real time, and already feel a little easier going back to working on that section of the book. Because I will be going there mindfully the next time I sit to write. I will be prepared, more compassionate and present.
